.........WHEW.........

only 3 more days til halloween is over......then i promise i'll get to posting!!! 

Posting

some of you have said you're having a hard time posting comments on here, but since i don't actually have to do that, i'm not sure i can help any of you out with that!  so i thought maybe some of you who have successfully posted comments can share your tricks...whether you're a follower or not.  thanks!!! 

in other news, i'm still waiting for nov 6th.  that's the next phase of this process...that's when i start my injections.  is it weird to be excited about sticking myself daily with needles???

~~LLC

Day 17 (of 55) : ICSI

What is ICSI? 

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=IQujLI-ArMY

--ICSI is an acronym for intracytoplasmic sperm injection - which is a fancy way of saying "inject sperm in the middle of the egg". ICSI is a very effective method to fertilize eggs in the IVF lab after they have been retrieved from the female. 

--IVF with ICSI involves the use of specialized tools and equipment and microscopes that enable embryologists to select and pick up individual sperm in a specially designed ICSI needle.

--Then the needle is carefully pushed through the outer shell of the egg and the egg membrane - and the sperm is injected into the inner part (cytoplasm) of the egg.

--This will usually result in normal fertilization in about 75-85% of eggs injected with sperm.

for those of you who have gone thru this process, maybe you can help me...i have no idea how to decide how many eggs to choose to be fertilized!!!  how many did you use?  this is such a big decision...HELP!!!

~~LLC

Day 12 (of 55)

super duper long day.  WHEW.  i just got home.  i had planned on posting more than this tonight, but i'm pooped, and heading to bed.  i am glad to say that i finished my antibiotic today...thank goodness!  made my belly hurt every morning  :(  i don't have anything on my IVF calendar until november 6th.  that starts a whole new round!  that will get me through the end of hallween!!!  yaaay!

~~LLC

Day 11. SUH-WEET NEWS!!!

i have to say that yesterday and today has been really overwhelming.  i went to my appointment really expecting for the ARNP to say that she has found more polyps, and the ones that had formed since my surgery in january had grown so much that we couldn't continue with this procedure.  i was soo afraid of that...but once she saw everything on the monitor, she said everything looked good.  YAAAY!!!  the saline sonogram itself was not as painful as i had imagined.  the vaginal probe is clearly NEVER fun, and the saline injected into my uterus WAS very uncomfortable, but tolerable.  but then she had to do what they call a "trial transfer", which is basically a test trial of how they will do the embryo transfer in a few weeks.  A soft catheter is threaded all the way up through the uterine cavity to map the cervix and the uterus--to ensure a smooth embryo transfer at the end of the IVF cycle.  so, i got both of those things out of the way in one trip!  here's the fun probe & monitor for those of you who are lucky enough not to have had the pleasure!

i'm sorry i didn't get this posted yesterday!  the closer we get to halloween, the more hectic things become.  thank you all sooo incredibly much for the txt's/emails/phone calls checking on me afterwards yesterday.  i was so apprehensive about the potential news, that i was extremely relieved when i left--minus all the uncomfortable"ness" of it all.  i really really really appreciate the prayers--please keep 'em coming!!!  i have the most amazing family and friends, of which i'm soo incredibly thankful for--you have no idea.  your kind words, txt's, & hugs are helping to keep my glass half full in this overwhelming situation!!!

~~LLC

Day 9.

ok, so i still have 46 more days to go.  it seems like this whole process snuck up on me and i didn't really have time to prepare for it, but now that it's here, it seems like this may be the longest 55 days of my life!  yesterday clint and i both started taking zpak's.  its a broad spectrum antibiotic that eliminates any bacteria from both of us that could possibly comprimise this whole cycle.  after taking the meds, we both ended up feeling very nauseated and queasy at work yesterday...which wasn't the best idea since we had a very busy saturday at the store!  (only 2 weeks left until halloween(!) then i will be better about updating this daily!!!)

tomorrow i have to go to the office (in nashville) to have a saline infusion sonogram (SIS or sonohysterography ).  this test is done (early in your cycle) to determine if there are abnormalities inside the uterus that might interfere with pregnancy . a saline solution is infused into the uterus.  The solution distends the uterus and acts as a contrast to the internal structure. This procedure provides more detail than a regular ultrasound. 

in january, i had a laparoscopy & hysteroscopy done to clean out all endometriosis and polyps inside my uterus.  my last vaginal ultrasound showed that more polyps have formed since my surgery.  this test will detect any polyps, fibroids, or any other abnormalities that could stop me from getting pregnant.  this should be fun.  all mothers tell me that by the time you are ready for delivery that you're not shy about your body anymore to all dr's & nurses.  well, guess what...i'll be that way before i ever get preg!  ugh!

my mom is actually going with me tomorrow to my procedure.  she'll get to see my dr's office--which i love, and sit in and watch the monitor to see inside my uterus--which i'm pretty sure she's super excited about!  they say i should have minimal cramping, so i'm hoping we can get in some shopping afterwards!!! 

i'll update tomorrow on how it goes, and what they find.

~~LLC

Day 5.

sorry it's been a few days since i've posted!  thank you for messaging me to check on me!!!  it's kind of been hectic...even though october is my favorite month with fall and halloween, it makes starting this procedure pretty hectic with having 2 jobs!!!  wears me out...but i love it.

so, i started my birth control pills on monday.  doesn't make much sense to start birth control while you are trying to get preg right?  it's supposed to regulate the ovaries, and prevents cysts from forming.  i will take these for 3 weeks.  i sat down and wrote out my 55 day calendar of this whole process today...wow, that was overwhelming.  you really have no idea how involved this process really is until you are in the middle of it freaking out thinking you're gonna screw something up! 

oh!  i got all my meds in today!  yaay!  4 different injections,  all my needles, alcohol pads, antibiotics, steroids, and a sharps container.  didn't seem like it was nearly as much as i expected after hearing the bill.  ugh.  i'm not sure if seeing all the meds was what overwhelmed me today or the writing out my dr appt/to-do calendar, or both, that made me realize this seriously involved process is not something to jump into lightly.  i have prayed and prayed over this.  should i spend all this money to try this out, so i won't hate myself later for not trying, or should i not worry about putting myself through all this anxiety/pills/injections/hormones/possible disappointment all over again, and go the adoption route.  this is serious stuff folks. 

clearly i chose the craziness, including the messed up hormones.  pray for clint please!   :)  it has been a long 5 years, and i'm ready.  ready to say i either tried everything i could, OR ready to name twins and stay up all night feeding them both.  ready to give up my 8+ hours of sleep every single night.  ready for poopy diapers (x2 would be fine with me!).  ready for my own little miracle.  ready for endless bottle washing.  ready for snuggling my very own baby/s.  i'm sooo past ready.  i'm ready to be the one i'm filling prenatal vitamins for at work.  don't get me wrong, i'm sooo happy for anyone who is pregnant, but i'm ready for it to be me. 

i'm just ready.

~~LLC

"The mother in me"

I sit here and wonder
Is it ever to be?
Will I get to display
The mother in me?
Wonder in time
How the story will end,
Will they just be for others-
The showers I attend.
When’s it my turn
I ask God each day,
The only answer I get
Is, “Not today”.
I ask only to know
What my future might be,
To plan and prepare
God, please tell me.
I just need to know
How long to be strong,
For sometimes I question
my strength to go on.
I sit here and wonder
Is it ever to be?
Will I get to display
The mother in me?

DAY 1!!!!

here we go!  started today, feel yucky, but i am excited!  first time in YEARS that i've been excited to start my period. i've called my ivf nurse.  she emails me my personal plan that was made up by my nurse and my dr....a calendar that instructs me what to do everyday between now and egg retrieval day, then she calls in all my prescriptions to a mail order fertility pharmacy--that's (unfortunately, since i work at a pharmacy) my cheapest option.  (the mail order fertility pharmacy can buy so much in bulk and sell it cheaper than i could actually get it at work).  

i hope i don't mess it up!!!  i hope i'm ready for these hormone changes.  i hope it's a good sign that i'm starting this process 1 day after my mom's birthday, and in my favorite month of the year!  i hope this is going to be the best christmas yet!  as you can tell, i'm really hopeful today...I PRAY THAT DOESN'T CHANGE TOO QUICKLY!!!

thanks for checking back in folks--i hope me writing about this helps some of you reading.  thank you for the kind words...b/c without them, i couldn't have started this process.  without good friends, i don't know what i'd do!  interesting how you find out who your true friends are when you have to go through something that affects your life so much like ivf.  for those of you that txt or call or email to check on me...you mean more to me than you'll ever know--THANK YOU  :)

~~LLC

Psalm 31:9

Be merciful to me, O LORD, for I am in distress; my eyes grow weak with sorrow, my soul and my body with grief.

UGH.

seriously grumpy terrible day.  check back tomorrow.

WHEW.

i just sat down and wrote out the checks for dr's/lab/surgery center.  wow.  i have my first week's worth of meds ready, and i'm just waiting at this point to start the whole process.  i'm so excited/overwhelmed/anxious/worried/positive/ & negative all at the same time.  the hardest part about dealing with infertility is wanting something more than anything in life, and not knowing the outcome...if you will get what you want in the end or not.  UGH!  it took me a while to get to the point where i could even decide to go ahead with IVF.  i feel like it's sort of my last chance...and if it doesn't work out, then i'm afraid i'll be devastated.  obviously, if it does work out, i'll be more than ecstatic.  with so many things going on in our lives, i decided that life is too short to worry about the outcome.  so...i called my infertility specialist--at nashville fertility clinic (whom by the way are AWESOME), and said sign me up, i'm ready. 

after the decision is made, you go there to attend a class that explains the entire process: intructions on giving yourself the injections, and all the other meds that go along with it, billing/costs, tons of paper work, and of course labs for all the pre-req's. 

once we start the process, which should be in the next few days, my nurse will give me a calendar of what to do on each day.  i will call on day 1 of my cycle, then start a round of anti-biotics (eliminates all bacteria), birth control (for ovary regulation), and 2 different types of injections (lupron--to regulate ovaries and prevent ovulation during stimulation- & FSH--to stimulate growth of ovarian follicles).  then on day 38, i'll go in and have the egg retrieval done (which is done as an outpatient surgery & under anesthesia).  the next day i'll start steroids (medrol-to decrease inflammation after egg retrieval), and antibiotics (tetracycline-to prevent infection after egg retrieval), and a whole new set of IM injections (progesterone in oil)...these are the fun ones, given in the hips, every day for over 2 weeks.  the ones someone else (meaning clint, or someone else, if he can't do it!) has to give me with an inch & a half needle  :)  i'm thinking he's a tiny bit nervous about that!  not gonna lie...so am i.  *clenching teeth*

***thanks to all my new friends who have given me the good advice on these shots***

i can then test on day 53 of my cycle.  this WILL be the longest 53 days of my life!!! 

~~LLC

EXPLAIN PLEASE!

I've talked to several of you over the past few days who keep asking me, "how is this procedure different from what you've already done?"...let me explain!  The procedure we have already tried (which some of you have gone through) is called IUI--intra-uterine insemination.  It is a procedure which involves placing sperm inside a woman’s uterus through a catheter to facilitate fertilization. This fertility treatment does not involve the manipulation of a woman’s eggs, and therefore is not considered an assisted reproductive technology (ART) procedure.  Bill & Juliana did this (if you watch their show)!  We did this 3 times...all 3 were unsuccessful. 

IVF--in-vitro fertilization is a process by which egg cells are removed from the ovary & fertilized in a lab by sperm outside the body, then resulting embryos are then transferred to the uterus. 

***some interesting facts about IVF....the first successful "test tube baby" happened in 1978, and the british scientist who developed it, just recently won a nobel prize for physiology!***

the major difference between the 2 is 1) the cost, and 2) they will actually be forcing the two together in my case (process called ICSI--that's another blog!)

I pray that for those of you who do not quite understand all these terms and the process itself, that you or anyone close to you will not EVER have to go through it.  It's been such a hard 5 years...and i haven't always stayed positive--just ask my husband!  Infertility can take a toll on you, your marriage, your friendships, and your family--speaking from experience--it's soo not fun. 

For those of you who unfortunately do know all these terms, i pray for each of you every day.  EVERY DAY.  But i'm sooo thankful for the girlfriends God has put in my life to help me through help me keep my chin up.(isn't it funny how that happens?!?!?  coincidence?  I THINK NOT!)   You are much more of a blessing to me than you will ever know, and you're kind words have kept me going forward even when i didn't want to.

As i talk to different ones of you every day, i'm becoming more inspired & more blessed by you sharing your stories with me.  It is soo good to have an awesome support group!  And please keep your favorite bible verses coming! 

4 years ago, i posted this one on my bathroom mirror, and i read it every morning as i'm brushing my teeth...

Lamentations 3:24
"The Lord is my portion, therefor i will wait for HIM."

~~LLC

Thank you, thank you, thank you...

...for all the wonderful messages you all sent me today!  i'm looking forward to more of those to come in the next few weeks, and month!  just passing along a verse a friend shared with me today...

Proverbs 31:25 "Strength and dignity are her clothing, and she smiles at the future."

LOVE IT!

~~LLC

tissues anyone???

this is a poem/story a sweet friend shared with me after i had my laparoscopy/hysteroscopy in january.  this is for all you girls struggling with the same issues--gonna need some tissues here!!!

There are women who become mothers without effort,
without thought,
without patience or loss,
and though they are good mothers and love their children,
I know that I will be better.
I will be better not because of genetics or money or because I have read more books,
but because I have struggled and toiled for this child.
I have longed and waited.
I have cried and prayed.
I have endured and planned over and over again.
Like most things in life, the people who truly have appreciation are those who have struggled to attain their dreams.
I will notice everything about my child.
I will take time to watch my child sleep,
explore,
and discover.

I will marvel at this miracle every day for the rest of my life.
I will be happy when I wake in the middle of the night to the sound of my child, knowing that I can comfort, hold, and feed him and that I am not waking to take another temperature, pop another pill, take another shot or cry tears of a broken dream.
My dream will be crying for me.
I count myself lucky in this sense; that God has given me this insight, this special vision with which I will look upon my child.
Whether I parent a child I actually give birth to or a child that God leads me to, I will not be careless with my love.
I will be a better mother for all that I have endured. I am a better wife, a better aunt, a better daughter, neighbor, friend, and sister because I have known pain.

I know disillusionment, as I have been betrayed by my own body. I have been tried by fire and hell that many never face, yet given time, I stood tall.
I have prevailed.
I have succeeded.
I have won.

So now, when others hurt around me, I do not run from their pain in order to save myself discomfort. I see it, mourn it, and join them in theirs.
I listen.
And even though I cannot make it better, I can make it less lonely.
I have learned the immense power of another hand holding tight to mine, of other eyes that moisten as they learn to accept the harsh truth when life is beyond hard.
I have learned a compassion that only comes by walking in those shoes. I have learned to appreciate life.

Yes, I will be a wonderful mother.

-LLC

To post, or not to post...

OK...after much debate, back and forth, i've decided (after a few of you have asked me) to start this blog about my adventures in infertility and my upcoming ivf treatment.  a few of you said it may be hard after making all this info public, and a few of you said by posting all this info that i would have a bigger support group praying for us.  so i decided that even if this doesn't turn out like we plan, then at least i know (if i don't end up in western state) that i had a huge team of family and friends praying with me!  which i will most certainly need, as some of you already know who have dealt with this issue.  ugh!

here's a little background for ya.  it's been nearly 5 years that we have been trying.  after SEVERAL tests, lots of bloodwork, many procedures, 3 failed IUI's, and too many months and months of crying when that time of the month comes, we finally decided to do IVF--in vitro fertilization.

 i'm hoping that me posting in the next several weeks, i can vent, get support, a few shoulders to cry on (when i start the extra hormone injections), and definately help you to understand why you NEVER NEVER NEVER should tell someone that their time clock is ticking away!!!  seriously.  AND, unless you're ready for a look that can kill, or a major cry-fest, please don't ever ask "are you ever gonna have kids?"

ha!.....i'm hoping that in just a few months, i can look back and realize exactly what God had in mind for me all these years of trying and not succeeding.  JEREMIAH 29:11...
"For I know the plans I have for you," declares the LORD, "plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future."
i hear these words, and i repeat them to myself A LOT, but i'm sooo ready to really understand those plans!

 LLC