well, i have scheduled an appointment next week to go see my dr for a follow up appointment.  we'll talk about this past cycle, and what we're going to do next.  since we have 7 frozen embryos, i do plan to use them.  i just don't know when.  we have a business trip scheduled for january, and i'd like to take some time off from injections.  so, maybe in the next few months, we'll start again.  i'm told that frozen cycles are soo much easier.  i hope so.  keep us in your prayers.
thanks  :)

~~LLC

:(

thanks for all your encouraging txts over the last few days.  i'm sorry i haven't responded...i probably won't. although i did drag myself out of bed and make myself take a shower today.  some of you have asked what's my next step, and honestly i don't know.  for me, just making myself get up was a big task.  i'm not thinking about what's next. 

imagine, the one thing you want more than anything in life...(think about it)...the one thing you've been desperately praying & maybe even fasting over.   and then you get a call to say "i'm sorry", but you're not going to get it. i'm sure not many of you can say you understand.  i'm beyond shattered.  i somehow knew it probably wouldn't happen, and i'm not being negative here, believe me.  after 6+ years, you just learn to be realistic. 

thank you for the bible verses, and songs you have sent, although i can't say i'm much up to diving into them yet. 

eventually i will.

~~LLC

:(

tomorrow is the day!!!!

ohmygosh.  i can't believe it's finally almost here!!!

so, change of plans by the way.

my nurse called me today to confirm all the details (because she's off tomorrow & saturday)...i had decided that it would be best for me to wait until saturday because of work tomorrow.  when she called (btw, she's completely beyond awesome), she seemed worried that i wouldn't get the results on saturday for different reasons.  one being that since their office closes at 12, my local lab wouldn't get the results to them in time, plus working with limited saturday staff made her hesitant about being 100% sure i would get my results.  which would then postpone me knowing until monday--UGH!  so, i asked her if it would be ok to change back to tomorrow...going in early to have blood drawn, and then not checking my message until after work.  i know it sounds impossible, but i've waited this long...i can wait thru the work day...i think.

i'm pretty positive i'll cry either way...so i'd rather not be at work when i get the news anyway (who wants the crazy crying girl to fill their prescriptions), and clint can listen to the voice message with me.  it's such a personal message, i'll be better to hear it at home.  on my own couch.  sobbing my eyes out because either 1) after a long 6 years, i will finally get the one thing i've wanted more than anything, or 2) realize i have to keep on keeping on...

either way, i'll post the update tomorrow.  good or bad.  i can't even say how i feel right now.  i know i won't sleep at all tonight!  i'm nervous.  excited.  scared.  hopeful.  still dizzy.  overwhelmed.  stressed.  and somewhat at peace, strangely enough.  :)

thank for, thank you, thank you for your prayers...means more than you all will ever know!!!

~~LLC

...thursday....

well, by now, i'm down to getting thru this wait by days.  all i have to do is get thru thursday now.  it's been a long rough week.  this is terrible.  and i'm not a patient person...when it comes to something i want (which is clearly what God had in mind teaching me thru this whole process).  the worst part is waiting.  not the needles, not getting up at 5 and driving to nashville 500 times, but the wait. 

monday, i had some bleeding (and passed a small clot), and was pretty sure this was over.  i cried for 2 days straight at work.  thank you for those of you, who actually had to witness this awful sight when you came in to pick up your meds, and gave me encouraging words.  i'm not sure how i would've fared those days if it were not for you.  seriously.  i called my nurse and she said to keep the faith, and keep waiting it out until i test.  which now is actually going to be saturday.  i decided it wasn't a good idea to get this news at work, in case it happens to be negative.  plus i'd be a wreck waiting til i got that message, and nobody wants me preparing their medicine in this state!  i can't leave work, b/c we'll be too busy and shorthanded.  since i don't work on saturday, and can sleep in FOR ONCE, i'm going to go to the hospital and have my blood work, come home and wait until the nurse calls me with the news.  she said it shouldn't be any later than 1:00.  i have to have blood work, instead of a regular home pregnancy test because of the hormones injections.  they could give a false negative since they are not out of my system yet.

saturday at 1:00.  or before.  i should know, if thru this terrible week of thinking i lost one or both of the embryos implanted last week, are hanging on for the long haul (or 8.5 months). 

thank you for your extra prayers this week...i really needed them....

~~LLC

day: i don't know anymore...

ok, i know it's been several days since i've posted.  i'm sorry, but thank you thank you thank you for checking on me otherwise to make sure im ok.  i am just that...ok.

i've had a hard week.  a trying week.  just say a few extra prayers.  thanks.

~~LLC

Day 47. The day after the transfer.

the 1st day of waiting.  plus, on top of having to wait, i have to be on bedrest!  it actually sounds way better than it really is!  instead of sleeping, i read online all about the 2 week wait from other women's blogs...which i can't really say if it helped or hurt.  today, i'm feeling more like i will be starting soon (very crampy) instead of those 2 little guys clinging on.  i've been told that's the same feeling...but i'm tired, and terribly bloated (thanks to hanz & franz). yeah, i named them.  :)  still on the IM shots in my hips, but i only have 9 MORE DAYS!!!  if i test positive, then i can stop the shots, and switch to a vaginal tablet for 6 more weeks.  i feel like a little kid at christmas time, counting down the days!  :)

so i called my voicemail box today (to check on the rest of my fertilized babies), and the message said that after the 15 fertilized eggs, (including the 2 we implanted yesterday),  now we have 7 left over to freeze.  they will keep them as long as i want them to, as long as we pay the monthly fee to keep them there! 

i have actually been watching my own FRIENDS marathon on dvr.  i'm currently on the one where chandler and monica are cooking thansgiving dinner and talking about how this could be their last thanksgiving together as just a couple, and then by the end of the episode they find out they're getting a baby--now i'm all choked up--DANG HORMONES!  Thanks for waiting with me, and checking on me--the wait will be so much easier with good friends.


happy thanksgiving ya'll  :)

~~LLC

Implantation Day.

here's our 2 wittle implanted embryos!!!  yaay!  i did not get a cell count, but i do know they are grade B.  the embryologist also said there were 2 more embryos that had matured enough to freeze.  we'll keep waiting on the others!  i'll keep checking my daily messages my lab leaves me about my left over embryos.

the actual procedure was pretty easy.  they wheeled me in the OR, rolled in the incubator that housed my dish of embryos (clint actually got to see them under the microscope), the dr inserted the catheter inside my uterus, and he inserted the embryo's inside the unterin lining.  the worst part was literally having the full bladder for so long, i didn't think i was going to make it!  now, by Dr's orders, i'm confined to bedrest for 2 days...which should be really nice!!! 

the black blob at the top of the ultrasound picture is my bladder.  the thick white lining underneath is actually where he implanted the embryo's--near the top of my uterus.  i will have blood work done on friday to check my progesterone levels.  then the next friday, i will have blood work to check to see if these little babies are sticking in there for a while!!!
thank you so much for everyone who txt, called, and messaged today--it really means soo much!!!

i will still continue to take the progesterone shots (which are becoming harder because we're giving shots in bruises at this point i think!), and other than that, i'm just waiting....like the rest of you...waiting for the pregnancy test on december 3rd!!!

~~LLC

aaaaaaahhhhhhhhhhhhhh!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

i can NOT believe tomorrow is finally here!  i couldn't hardly concentrate on work today, and i'm sure i won't be able to sleep tonight (and not like the kids on the disney world commercial either!).  i am most definately on the home stretch now.  i have to be there at 10, talk to the embryologist about our decision on how many embryos to implant, lay there on the table with a full/semi full bladder, take a valium (10mg, which will knock me out), and the procedure starts at 11:00.  i hope it will go as smoothly as i've been told it should!

i will still be continuing my shots until i find out if i'm pregnant or not.  if so, i will continue to take the progesterone...and if not, i can discontinue then.  i'm sooo tired of these hormones...have i said that?  ohmygosh.  it's wearing me out, i can only imagine how the people around me must feel!  some days have been good, some days have been bad.  i hope soon enough i can forget this whole process after seeing my baby for the first time.  all this will sooo be worth it. 

i have to be on bed rest for the next 2 days, dr's orders.  i'm kind of looking forward to that!  i will post an update tomorrow as soon as i can...when i get home, or when i'm up from my valium hangover--whichever comes first. 

seems kind of surreal that by this time tomorrow  night, i will actually have a fertilized embryo in my belly  :)

~~LLC

is it day 55 yet?

sore, nauseated, exhausted, grumpy, among other things i won't go into.

***SIGH***

i'm not sure that if this does not work this time that i will want to do this again.

update from dr today:  my eggs look good, and are dividing like they should.  we will continue with a 5 day transfer--on tuesday.  then nothing but bedrest for 2 whole days...i'm actually really looking forward to that.

~~LLC

day 42.

called my voice mail today at my dr's office, to check on the progress after yesterdays egg retrieval, and out of the 23 eggs retrieved, 20 of them were good, and 15 of them are now fertilized!!!  yaaay!!!!  i get to call and check on my wittle baby embryo's every day to check the status of them growning and splitting!!!  i'm so excited beyond words to try to explain what i'm feeling right now!  other than being exhausted from working today (after my ovaries being poked around on yesterday with a suction needle and my progesterone shot), overall i feel really good. 

the IM progesterone shots have actually (so far) gone better than expected.  i just get so worked up over needles.  seriously, you think the fear would start to fade by now, but it hasn't.  maybe it's due to the fact that i was sooo over giving myself shots for the past 2 weeks, or the fact that a sweet dear friend offered to do them for me.  i think it's easier when someone else does the sticking.  (plus i think clint was relieved because he said i would be so much nicer to her than i would be to him, if in fact they hurt as bad as everyone has told me they would!)  WHAT WAS THAT SUPPOSED TO MEAN?!?!? 

so far, so good, but i've only had 2, and i don't have bruises YET.  although i do have to continue these until my pregnancy test date (dec 3rd).  and next week, i may be saying something totally different!  my butt muscle does feel like the day after basketball/baseball conditioning.  not so much like a torn muscle, just really strained.  or sort of like when u go to the gym and you decide to increase your weight, but it ends up being too much, and you don't realize it until the next day.   the actual stick itself feels like an enormous life size bee stinging you in the butt.  :) 

only 2 more weeks!!!  i hope it goes by as fast as the last 3 weeks have!

~~LLC

Day 41. EGG RETRIEVAL!!!

i'm finally home after a long exhausting day in nashville.  i did at least get to sleep in until 6 this morning!  my appointment was at 10, and i had to be there by 9.  they took us back to the surgery center, and started my iv (propofol, versed, & fentanyl).  (can i just say what an awesome staff they have at the nashville fertility clinic?  i've been beyond impressed--they really do cater to you there.)

the nurse came in and explained everything, then so did the dr.--a new one that i haven't met yet in the team of 4 at the clinic.  they came to get clint to take him to retrieve his sample.  then off i went into dream land!  i woke back up around 11/11:30ish. 

the embryologist came in to tell me they retrieved 23 eggs!  wow!  seems like a lot to me, but she said that they see anywhere from 0-60.  and somewhere in the teens and 20's are a perfect number.  they did the ICSI process today, where they insert the sperm inside the egg, and let them do "their thing" in a dish, where over the next few days they will grow, and split.  i also started my IM shots in my hips today...thank goodness someone offered to do these for me who is awesome at her job!   i'm also starting medrol 16mg, and tetracycline 250mg today.  i will return to the office on tuesday for the transfer.  in the mean time, my nurse will be leaving me messages daily about my little embryo  :)  and i will definately keep you updated, and i ask that you all continue to pray!!!  pray for these shots...i know they will get old fast.  pray for my little embryo.  pray for my mommy--i think this process hurts her more than it actually does me!  pray for clint as he has to put up with the raging hormones.  i know whatever the outcome in 2 weeks, i am still blessed beyond belief.

so...they keep you in recovery until you pee good.  lol...except i couldn't!  i did wake up with a LOT of pressure inside.  my pain scale (from 1-10), i was about a 4.5-5.  pressure is still there, but after the pain meds, i'm feeling much better now.  after laying there TRYING TO SLEEP, they kept waking me up to pee, and after i finally went, they let me go!

i had a long bumpy ride home.  but i made it.  i'm home, ready to eat, and go to bed!   thanks to all who txt me, sent me messages, (and my 1 and only phone call--my daddy--to get me all choked up, early this morning to say he was praying for me).  i love you all  :) 

~~LLC

day 40.

alarm 5:00 am.
drive to nashville AGAIN.
bloodwork 8:30 am. 
went over post-op instructions for tomorrow.
drive home.
work.

 DID I MENTION NO SHOTS TODAY???  it's almost like a mini vacay!  ALMOST.  today i'm being debbie downer though. exhausted.  beyond bloated.  annoyed.  nauseated.  feel like a fat hen ready to hatch things--soon.  i'm sooo uncomfortable i can't sit, stand, sleep, or eat like i want to because there's zero room inside of me right now.  i know, i know it's only gonna get worse, but at least then, the it-will-be-worth-it-results will be in effect.  right now...i'm just crabby.

i have to be in the surgery center tomorrow at 9.  valium iv.  count backwards. (la,la,la-la-la la, la,la-la-la la!) egg retrieval at 10.  recovery room around 11. back home.  start another antibiotic, another steriod (as if i don't feel bloated enough), and IM shots of progesterone.  whew.  wears me thinking about it...

...think i need a nap.

~~LLC
|

Day 39.

reporting todays appointment...went back in AGAIN today for more bloodwork and another ultrasound.  kind of sad when i left today knowing i won't see my sweet ultrasound tech until i get preg...NOT REALLY!  today was my last ultrasound!!!  i do have to go back in tomorrow for blood work though, and talk to my ivf nurse about my post-op procedure on thursday. 

tonight, i have to do a trigger shot (ovidrel--used to stimulate ovulation).  two actually.  one subq injection on each side of my belly at exactly 11pm tonight.  then i have to get up at 5 and head on down to nashville.  running on such little sleep lately (after halloween at that!) is hopefully preparing me for staying up at night in about 9 months!

oh, and NO SHOTS TOMORROW!!!  did i mention how excited i am about having a day off from sticking myself?  WOO-HOO!!!!  AAAANNDDD thank you for those of you who prayed over my hot flashes today...it must have worked, b/c i didn't wake up drenched in sweat, nor did i have to turn on my fan at work today!  today WAS a good day!

~~LLC

Day 38 (of 55)

So I just left my Drs office in Nashville, heading back to Greenville to work. Whew. Early mornings are wearing me out!!! I really do enjoy a good 8-9 hours of sleep a night! I had a good appointment today. At least 30-35 follicles today, and 4-5 of them are perfect size already. Which means only 2 more days of blood work & ultrasounds. My nurse said egg retrieval will be Thursday!!! She gave me samples of 1 more day of my regular injections, which saved me literally hundreds of dollars today--thank God!!!

Even though I'll pretty much be there every day this week, i won't have to go as often after the retrieval. I will only go back for the transfer!!!...then the dreadful wait before I can test.

I'm really thankful during this season for so much. Thankful for those who have made it easy for me to take off as I've needed. Thankful for this cycle to have gone fairly easily for me. Thankful for safe traveling to and from Nashville so often. Thankful for my 2 awesome friends that took over my spin classes so I didn't have to feel guilty about missing (since I'm not allowed to work out). Thankful for my encouraging friends, and extremely supportive family--for those of you who have checked on me, emailed me, txt me. Thankful for my group of ivf girls who have done this before and have answered all my questions, without you all, and your prayers this would have been impossible!  Thankful for my husband/temporary nurse who has dealt with my raging hormones/mood swings, and crazy temperature changes in the house and car without complaining.  (i finally turned the heat on in the house since we were waking up to the house being 60 degrees, and he was sleeping in a hoodie and sweatpants, while i'm sweating thru a tank top!)

I'm sooo incredibly blessed, and even though I know it, sometimes I realize it takes trials to bring those blessings to light. :)

It's not over, and I'm still being realistic, but super excited about the fact that I could have a little baby in my belly in 2 weeks!!!! What an answered prayer that will be, after years & YEARS of praying faithfully for the one desire of my heart.

I'm gonna sign off before the waterworks start, plus I've just pulled into taco bell--it's lunch time!!!

~~LLC

Day 37 of 55.

had another appt yesterday (saturday) in nashville...more bloodwork & another ultrasound.  on saturdays, there's not the regular crew there taking care of me.  had a new girl to draw my blood, and it hurt like heck, and is bruised today!!!  both shots were easier than aniticipated last night.  i guess they always are, but i work myself up all day about doing it...until i'm afraid!   i have another appointment tomorrow morning, for more bloodwork (checking estradiol levels) and another ultrasound (checking size of egg follicles).  i have nearly 25-30 follicles in there growing by the day, just waiting for my next injection (ovidrel) to shoot those babies out--to be caught during egg retrieval, which will this be week!  i hope they tell me tomorrow at my appointment that it will be tuesday.  especially since i have enough medicine to only last thru monday night's shots, and i don't want to have to buy more just to finish one day!

thank you so much for all your encouraging words this morning at church, it is much much more appreciated than you all know.  :)  i'll keep you up to date this week with more specifics as i get word from my dr's office!!! 

~~LLC

Day 35 of 55.

i'm sooo over these shots already.  ugh.  last night, i didn't get the air bubbles out of the syringe, so lets just say it was really really LESS than comfortable going in last night.  :(  which only makes me dread that 2nd shot tonight right before bedtime.  and these aren't even the bad ones!  my belly is bloated, puffy, sore, and bruised. 

ok.  deep breath. 

so, my results from today...my estradiol levels did go down some (which is awesome news!), and my follicles are growing and getting bigger by the day.  i was so worried about the messed up gonal-f dosage, and hyperstimulation, and worried that we would have to cancel the rest of the cycle.  i go back tomorrow morning & again on monday for more blood work and yet another vaginal ultrasound.  the ultrasound tells exactly the size of the follicles, which allows them to decide the day for the egg retrieval for next week--lets pray for sooner, so i don't have to spend any more money on ordering more meds, plus the less shots, THE BETTER.  :)

these early morning appointments in nashville, and going on to work, are making me feel old-- b/c by 8pm, i'm ready for bed!  more to come tomorrow...

~~LLC

LOVE THE ENCOURAGEMENT!

http://www.facebook.com/l.php?u=http%3A%2F%2Fwww.youtube.com%2Fwatch%3Fv%3DmfWAG-bnttQ&h=73aa5

this was sent to me today from a dear sweet friend--i got it exactly when i needed it--thank you J, I LOVE YOU  :)

Day 33. today's appt. follow-up.

feeling a little icky tonight.  belly cramping (like my ovaries are the size of softballs), a little nauseated, and headache.  not sure if this is side effect of the meds, or anxiety.  i've been totally lazy tonight laying on the couch, dreading the new shot i have to take immediately before bed.

i had a minor freak-out moment today after my appointment.  i had to be there at 8:00 am...which meant i had to get up before 5--ugh, and i'm soo not a morning person.  i actually woke up at 4 and couldn't go back to sleep, b/c of the steroid i have to take with my night injection.  got to my dr's office, checked in, had my blood drawn, and ultrasound...pretty regular...no big deal. 

i go on to work, and check my voice mail later on for my nurse's instructions on my next plan, since my latest calendar stopped after today.  it was instructions to drop my units of the current injection (gonal-f) because my blood work showed my estradiol levels were too high, to start this new dose on saturday, and come back in for ultrasound on wednesday.  ...BUT IT'S WEDNESDAY ALREADY, AND I HAVE AN ULTRASOUND SCHEDULED FOR THIS FRIDAY...AND WHAT ABOUT MY MEDS UNTIL SATURDAY???....immediately i call my nurse.  turns out this was an old message i never recieved.  great!

 *minor panic attack*

i was supposed to have dropped my dosage last week, and didn't.  no wonder my estradiol levels are extra high today.  apparently i'm responding very well to the meds so far...which sounds perfect, but you don't want to go into what they call "hyperstimulation", b/c they will stop ythe ivf cycle.  you do not want to become pregnant being hyperstimulated b/c you can become extremely sick.  great.  "did i just mess up my cycle?"...my nurse said she'll talk to my dr with this new info and call me back.  ohmygosh, i can't concentrate at work now until she calls me back.  ......................an eternity later, she calls back to reassure me that i did not mess up my cycle.  the dr says even though she would've liked to start at a lower dosage, the 300 units i was injecting was not far off from the 225 units she originally wanted to me back down to.  ugh.  she also said, the new injection i'm supposed to start tonight may lower those estradiol levels enough that i won't go into hyperstimulation.  "maybe".  that's all i heard.  still partly mad at myself for neglecting to get this voicemail.

she gives me all new instructions for the next few days leading up to my next ultrasound & bloodwork & egg retrieveal next week(!). new intructions include no morning injection of FSH, only at night, along with the steroid, and ganirelix--meds stopping me from ovulating at the wrong time).  please pray that they come down so i can continue with this cycle.  new injection = new anxiety.  hope i don't mess this up.

i thought up until today i was completely competant enough to do this (all the meds/injections on my own)...now i'm starting to question it.  :( 

~~LLC

Day 32.

struggled with my shots tonight.  the prefilled syringes only have so much medicine in them, and when u only get half your dose out of the almost empty pen, you have to open another one and finish the dose...which just means another stick.  :(  i know every time when i'll be doing 2 shots to get my full dose, and i always dread it.  like tonight.  my poor belly has needles pricks & bruises all over!  did i mention i slept with the windows open last night, and still woke up sweating to death?  yeah, the meds are fun.

i have an appointment tomorrow in nashville @ 8, and then again on friday morning @ 9.  that's 2 days we'll be getting up entirely too early and travel 2 hours for a short checkup.  they are checking my estradiol levels, and doing an ultrasound, to determine which day will be best for the egg retrieval--which will be this time next week!  please please please pray for good mature eggs!  i'm so thankful everything has gone soo smoothly so far for this process.  i'm not sure i could handle it if something went wrong and we had to stop this cycle.  thank you to each of you who have messaged me this week, or who have checked on me...the support means sooo much! 

i'm signing off tonight praying for each one of you that are reading that i know has struggled with these same issues...i pray that you do not have to go thru this process.  it's so draining at times.  i pray you don't have to struggle to have your very own baby.  please know, to any of you girls, i am always here to talk if you need to vent if you're currently struggling with infertility.   i myself have had a WONDERFUL support group of girls who have gone through this as well, and without them, i'm not sure how prepared i would be for all this.  thank you ladies--love you all  :)

~~LLC

MEDS!

i was checking my ivf calendar for the upcoming week, and doing an inventory of all my meds and thought i would take a pic for ya.  4 different injections (gonal-f, ovidrel, ganirelix, progesterone in oil), 2 different size needles (3ml 18G 1.5", & 22G 1.5" IM needles) sharps container, alcohol wipes, gauze pads, 3 different pills (tetracycline, medrol, dexamethasone) + 2 vitamins (prenatal & folic acid).  this should actually be less overwhelming by the day, as i empty my kitchen table off more...i just can't wait for day 55. 

~~LLC

Day 30. Injection day 2.

ok, so i have to say last night's injection--even though the 1st one yesterday morning didn't hurt--i was having anxiety about doing it myself.  so i made clint do it.  which made me nervous too, since he has zero technical skills about giving shots--it was his first after all!  i hope this gets better.  as i woke up this morning, i got up seriously grumpy thinking how unfair this is for me to have to go through.  shots upon shots to have a 'chance' to have a baby, when other people can just have them so easily.  i hear it at work soo often--"oh, i just got pregnant on the pill", or "ugh, i'm pregnant again"...these are the people i wanna smack.  if you were one of these people, PLEASE, for your own sake, remember people like me who would do anything--give injetions daily for weeks just to have our very own.  and for the simple fact that if looks could kill, you may be dead.  :)

so, i woke up frustrated to say the least.  i went back and read through some of your comments--the reason i started this whole blog to begin with--to read the encouraging words from so many people i love.  it must have helped, because it changed my outlook on getting up and shoving that needle in my belly.  but as i started giving my injection to myself (yay!!!--such a minor task to some of you that i conquered, but i'm thankful for it this morning--no anxiety about doing it myself), i realized some people have to do this daily, for whatever reasons, to stay alive.  so, for that, i am thankful.  that this is ONLY temporary for me.  THANK GOD.  did i mention how TERRIFIED i am of needles?  GAHH.  at 31, i still look away when they draw my blood...every single time.

THANKFUL my grumpy"ness" has subsided for the time being, because i'm off to church! 

~~LLC

Day 29.

1st injection down! 

SORRY!!!....i'm back!

ok, i know it seems like absolutely forever since i've posted--i'm sorry!  but so thankful for everyone who txt or emailed me to double check on me! 

i had an appointment yesterday, but didn't get to update you about it b/c as soon as i got home from work, i crashed and didn't get up til time for work this morning.  i guess the halloween season is finally catching up.  but thankfully sleep cures all.  :) 

so at the suppression check yesterday, they did blood work to check estradiol levels--which i'll have to continue to do throughout the rest of this process.  i had an ultrasound to check the microfollicles & for cycsts.  i saw a nurse practitioner to go over all my current meds & a checkup.  she took me off all my allergy meds--this could be bad, since my allergies are TERRIBLE in the fall!  talked to the embryologist who will be performing the ICSI process i talked about previously, to which she went into great detail about (--way too much detail for my small brain).  finally, i talked with my nurse about my plan this upcoming week, and went over the injections i start tomorrow.  WOW.  this was an overwhelming appointment.  when i left, i had brain overload.  what if i screw something up???  what if i don't take my meds correctly and mess up this whole cycle?   ugh! 

anyway, i will start injections tomorrow...twice a day (12 hours apart), plus a steroid (dexamethasone 1mg) at bedtime with each injection.  then i go back wednesday & friday for another ultrasound and bloodwork to check estradiol levels.  it's a shame i have to drive 2 hours just for that, b/c it will only take 20 minutes at the most...but it will be sooo worth it IF this works.  then my nurse will give me more instruction from wednesday forward.  i'm trying to take this one day at a time so i don't stress out too much!

.........WHEW.........

only 3 more days til halloween is over......then i promise i'll get to posting!!! 

Posting

some of you have said you're having a hard time posting comments on here, but since i don't actually have to do that, i'm not sure i can help any of you out with that!  so i thought maybe some of you who have successfully posted comments can share your tricks...whether you're a follower or not.  thanks!!! 

in other news, i'm still waiting for nov 6th.  that's the next phase of this process...that's when i start my injections.  is it weird to be excited about sticking myself daily with needles???

~~LLC

Day 17 (of 55) : ICSI

What is ICSI? 

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=IQujLI-ArMY

--ICSI is an acronym for intracytoplasmic sperm injection - which is a fancy way of saying "inject sperm in the middle of the egg". ICSI is a very effective method to fertilize eggs in the IVF lab after they have been retrieved from the female. 

--IVF with ICSI involves the use of specialized tools and equipment and microscopes that enable embryologists to select and pick up individual sperm in a specially designed ICSI needle.

--Then the needle is carefully pushed through the outer shell of the egg and the egg membrane - and the sperm is injected into the inner part (cytoplasm) of the egg.

--This will usually result in normal fertilization in about 75-85% of eggs injected with sperm.

for those of you who have gone thru this process, maybe you can help me...i have no idea how to decide how many eggs to choose to be fertilized!!!  how many did you use?  this is such a big decision...HELP!!!

~~LLC

Day 12 (of 55)

super duper long day.  WHEW.  i just got home.  i had planned on posting more than this tonight, but i'm pooped, and heading to bed.  i am glad to say that i finished my antibiotic today...thank goodness!  made my belly hurt every morning  :(  i don't have anything on my IVF calendar until november 6th.  that starts a whole new round!  that will get me through the end of hallween!!!  yaaay!

~~LLC

Day 11. SUH-WEET NEWS!!!

i have to say that yesterday and today has been really overwhelming.  i went to my appointment really expecting for the ARNP to say that she has found more polyps, and the ones that had formed since my surgery in january had grown so much that we couldn't continue with this procedure.  i was soo afraid of that...but once she saw everything on the monitor, she said everything looked good.  YAAAY!!!  the saline sonogram itself was not as painful as i had imagined.  the vaginal probe is clearly NEVER fun, and the saline injected into my uterus WAS very uncomfortable, but tolerable.  but then she had to do what they call a "trial transfer", which is basically a test trial of how they will do the embryo transfer in a few weeks.  A soft catheter is threaded all the way up through the uterine cavity to map the cervix and the uterus--to ensure a smooth embryo transfer at the end of the IVF cycle.  so, i got both of those things out of the way in one trip!  here's the fun probe & monitor for those of you who are lucky enough not to have had the pleasure!

i'm sorry i didn't get this posted yesterday!  the closer we get to halloween, the more hectic things become.  thank you all sooo incredibly much for the txt's/emails/phone calls checking on me afterwards yesterday.  i was so apprehensive about the potential news, that i was extremely relieved when i left--minus all the uncomfortable"ness" of it all.  i really really really appreciate the prayers--please keep 'em coming!!!  i have the most amazing family and friends, of which i'm soo incredibly thankful for--you have no idea.  your kind words, txt's, & hugs are helping to keep my glass half full in this overwhelming situation!!!

~~LLC

Day 9.

ok, so i still have 46 more days to go.  it seems like this whole process snuck up on me and i didn't really have time to prepare for it, but now that it's here, it seems like this may be the longest 55 days of my life!  yesterday clint and i both started taking zpak's.  its a broad spectrum antibiotic that eliminates any bacteria from both of us that could possibly comprimise this whole cycle.  after taking the meds, we both ended up feeling very nauseated and queasy at work yesterday...which wasn't the best idea since we had a very busy saturday at the store!  (only 2 weeks left until halloween(!) then i will be better about updating this daily!!!)

tomorrow i have to go to the office (in nashville) to have a saline infusion sonogram (SIS or sonohysterography ).  this test is done (early in your cycle) to determine if there are abnormalities inside the uterus that might interfere with pregnancy . a saline solution is infused into the uterus.  The solution distends the uterus and acts as a contrast to the internal structure. This procedure provides more detail than a regular ultrasound. 

in january, i had a laparoscopy & hysteroscopy done to clean out all endometriosis and polyps inside my uterus.  my last vaginal ultrasound showed that more polyps have formed since my surgery.  this test will detect any polyps, fibroids, or any other abnormalities that could stop me from getting pregnant.  this should be fun.  all mothers tell me that by the time you are ready for delivery that you're not shy about your body anymore to all dr's & nurses.  well, guess what...i'll be that way before i ever get preg!  ugh!

my mom is actually going with me tomorrow to my procedure.  she'll get to see my dr's office--which i love, and sit in and watch the monitor to see inside my uterus--which i'm pretty sure she's super excited about!  they say i should have minimal cramping, so i'm hoping we can get in some shopping afterwards!!! 

i'll update tomorrow on how it goes, and what they find.

~~LLC

Day 5.

sorry it's been a few days since i've posted!  thank you for messaging me to check on me!!!  it's kind of been hectic...even though october is my favorite month with fall and halloween, it makes starting this procedure pretty hectic with having 2 jobs!!!  wears me out...but i love it.

so, i started my birth control pills on monday.  doesn't make much sense to start birth control while you are trying to get preg right?  it's supposed to regulate the ovaries, and prevents cysts from forming.  i will take these for 3 weeks.  i sat down and wrote out my 55 day calendar of this whole process today...wow, that was overwhelming.  you really have no idea how involved this process really is until you are in the middle of it freaking out thinking you're gonna screw something up! 

oh!  i got all my meds in today!  yaay!  4 different injections,  all my needles, alcohol pads, antibiotics, steroids, and a sharps container.  didn't seem like it was nearly as much as i expected after hearing the bill.  ugh.  i'm not sure if seeing all the meds was what overwhelmed me today or the writing out my dr appt/to-do calendar, or both, that made me realize this seriously involved process is not something to jump into lightly.  i have prayed and prayed over this.  should i spend all this money to try this out, so i won't hate myself later for not trying, or should i not worry about putting myself through all this anxiety/pills/injections/hormones/possible disappointment all over again, and go the adoption route.  this is serious stuff folks. 

clearly i chose the craziness, including the messed up hormones.  pray for clint please!   :)  it has been a long 5 years, and i'm ready.  ready to say i either tried everything i could, OR ready to name twins and stay up all night feeding them both.  ready to give up my 8+ hours of sleep every single night.  ready for poopy diapers (x2 would be fine with me!).  ready for my own little miracle.  ready for endless bottle washing.  ready for snuggling my very own baby/s.  i'm sooo past ready.  i'm ready to be the one i'm filling prenatal vitamins for at work.  don't get me wrong, i'm sooo happy for anyone who is pregnant, but i'm ready for it to be me. 

i'm just ready.

~~LLC

"The mother in me"

I sit here and wonder
Is it ever to be?
Will I get to display
The mother in me?
Wonder in time
How the story will end,
Will they just be for others-
The showers I attend.
When’s it my turn
I ask God each day,
The only answer I get
Is, “Not today”.
I ask only to know
What my future might be,
To plan and prepare
God, please tell me.
I just need to know
How long to be strong,
For sometimes I question
my strength to go on.
I sit here and wonder
Is it ever to be?
Will I get to display
The mother in me?

DAY 1!!!!

here we go!  started today, feel yucky, but i am excited!  first time in YEARS that i've been excited to start my period. i've called my ivf nurse.  she emails me my personal plan that was made up by my nurse and my dr....a calendar that instructs me what to do everyday between now and egg retrieval day, then she calls in all my prescriptions to a mail order fertility pharmacy--that's (unfortunately, since i work at a pharmacy) my cheapest option.  (the mail order fertility pharmacy can buy so much in bulk and sell it cheaper than i could actually get it at work).  

i hope i don't mess it up!!!  i hope i'm ready for these hormone changes.  i hope it's a good sign that i'm starting this process 1 day after my mom's birthday, and in my favorite month of the year!  i hope this is going to be the best christmas yet!  as you can tell, i'm really hopeful today...I PRAY THAT DOESN'T CHANGE TOO QUICKLY!!!

thanks for checking back in folks--i hope me writing about this helps some of you reading.  thank you for the kind words...b/c without them, i couldn't have started this process.  without good friends, i don't know what i'd do!  interesting how you find out who your true friends are when you have to go through something that affects your life so much like ivf.  for those of you that txt or call or email to check on me...you mean more to me than you'll ever know--THANK YOU  :)

~~LLC

Psalm 31:9

Be merciful to me, O LORD, for I am in distress; my eyes grow weak with sorrow, my soul and my body with grief.

UGH.

seriously grumpy terrible day.  check back tomorrow.

WHEW.

i just sat down and wrote out the checks for dr's/lab/surgery center.  wow.  i have my first week's worth of meds ready, and i'm just waiting at this point to start the whole process.  i'm so excited/overwhelmed/anxious/worried/positive/ & negative all at the same time.  the hardest part about dealing with infertility is wanting something more than anything in life, and not knowing the outcome...if you will get what you want in the end or not.  UGH!  it took me a while to get to the point where i could even decide to go ahead with IVF.  i feel like it's sort of my last chance...and if it doesn't work out, then i'm afraid i'll be devastated.  obviously, if it does work out, i'll be more than ecstatic.  with so many things going on in our lives, i decided that life is too short to worry about the outcome.  so...i called my infertility specialist--at nashville fertility clinic (whom by the way are AWESOME), and said sign me up, i'm ready. 

after the decision is made, you go there to attend a class that explains the entire process: intructions on giving yourself the injections, and all the other meds that go along with it, billing/costs, tons of paper work, and of course labs for all the pre-req's. 

once we start the process, which should be in the next few days, my nurse will give me a calendar of what to do on each day.  i will call on day 1 of my cycle, then start a round of anti-biotics (eliminates all bacteria), birth control (for ovary regulation), and 2 different types of injections (lupron--to regulate ovaries and prevent ovulation during stimulation- & FSH--to stimulate growth of ovarian follicles).  then on day 38, i'll go in and have the egg retrieval done (which is done as an outpatient surgery & under anesthesia).  the next day i'll start steroids (medrol-to decrease inflammation after egg retrieval), and antibiotics (tetracycline-to prevent infection after egg retrieval), and a whole new set of IM injections (progesterone in oil)...these are the fun ones, given in the hips, every day for over 2 weeks.  the ones someone else (meaning clint, or someone else, if he can't do it!) has to give me with an inch & a half needle  :)  i'm thinking he's a tiny bit nervous about that!  not gonna lie...so am i.  *clenching teeth*

***thanks to all my new friends who have given me the good advice on these shots***

i can then test on day 53 of my cycle.  this WILL be the longest 53 days of my life!!! 

~~LLC

EXPLAIN PLEASE!

I've talked to several of you over the past few days who keep asking me, "how is this procedure different from what you've already done?"...let me explain!  The procedure we have already tried (which some of you have gone through) is called IUI--intra-uterine insemination.  It is a procedure which involves placing sperm inside a woman’s uterus through a catheter to facilitate fertilization. This fertility treatment does not involve the manipulation of a woman’s eggs, and therefore is not considered an assisted reproductive technology (ART) procedure.  Bill & Juliana did this (if you watch their show)!  We did this 3 times...all 3 were unsuccessful. 

IVF--in-vitro fertilization is a process by which egg cells are removed from the ovary & fertilized in a lab by sperm outside the body, then resulting embryos are then transferred to the uterus. 

***some interesting facts about IVF....the first successful "test tube baby" happened in 1978, and the british scientist who developed it, just recently won a nobel prize for physiology!***

the major difference between the 2 is 1) the cost, and 2) they will actually be forcing the two together in my case (process called ICSI--that's another blog!)

I pray that for those of you who do not quite understand all these terms and the process itself, that you or anyone close to you will not EVER have to go through it.  It's been such a hard 5 years...and i haven't always stayed positive--just ask my husband!  Infertility can take a toll on you, your marriage, your friendships, and your family--speaking from experience--it's soo not fun. 

For those of you who unfortunately do know all these terms, i pray for each of you every day.  EVERY DAY.  But i'm sooo thankful for the girlfriends God has put in my life to help me through help me keep my chin up.(isn't it funny how that happens?!?!?  coincidence?  I THINK NOT!)   You are much more of a blessing to me than you will ever know, and you're kind words have kept me going forward even when i didn't want to.

As i talk to different ones of you every day, i'm becoming more inspired & more blessed by you sharing your stories with me.  It is soo good to have an awesome support group!  And please keep your favorite bible verses coming! 

4 years ago, i posted this one on my bathroom mirror, and i read it every morning as i'm brushing my teeth...

Lamentations 3:24
"The Lord is my portion, therefor i will wait for HIM."

~~LLC

Thank you, thank you, thank you...

...for all the wonderful messages you all sent me today!  i'm looking forward to more of those to come in the next few weeks, and month!  just passing along a verse a friend shared with me today...

Proverbs 31:25 "Strength and dignity are her clothing, and she smiles at the future."

LOVE IT!

~~LLC

tissues anyone???

this is a poem/story a sweet friend shared with me after i had my laparoscopy/hysteroscopy in january.  this is for all you girls struggling with the same issues--gonna need some tissues here!!!

There are women who become mothers without effort,
without thought,
without patience or loss,
and though they are good mothers and love their children,
I know that I will be better.
I will be better not because of genetics or money or because I have read more books,
but because I have struggled and toiled for this child.
I have longed and waited.
I have cried and prayed.
I have endured and planned over and over again.
Like most things in life, the people who truly have appreciation are those who have struggled to attain their dreams.
I will notice everything about my child.
I will take time to watch my child sleep,
explore,
and discover.

I will marvel at this miracle every day for the rest of my life.
I will be happy when I wake in the middle of the night to the sound of my child, knowing that I can comfort, hold, and feed him and that I am not waking to take another temperature, pop another pill, take another shot or cry tears of a broken dream.
My dream will be crying for me.
I count myself lucky in this sense; that God has given me this insight, this special vision with which I will look upon my child.
Whether I parent a child I actually give birth to or a child that God leads me to, I will not be careless with my love.
I will be a better mother for all that I have endured. I am a better wife, a better aunt, a better daughter, neighbor, friend, and sister because I have known pain.

I know disillusionment, as I have been betrayed by my own body. I have been tried by fire and hell that many never face, yet given time, I stood tall.
I have prevailed.
I have succeeded.
I have won.

So now, when others hurt around me, I do not run from their pain in order to save myself discomfort. I see it, mourn it, and join them in theirs.
I listen.
And even though I cannot make it better, I can make it less lonely.
I have learned the immense power of another hand holding tight to mine, of other eyes that moisten as they learn to accept the harsh truth when life is beyond hard.
I have learned a compassion that only comes by walking in those shoes. I have learned to appreciate life.

Yes, I will be a wonderful mother.

-LLC

To post, or not to post...

OK...after much debate, back and forth, i've decided (after a few of you have asked me) to start this blog about my adventures in infertility and my upcoming ivf treatment.  a few of you said it may be hard after making all this info public, and a few of you said by posting all this info that i would have a bigger support group praying for us.  so i decided that even if this doesn't turn out like we plan, then at least i know (if i don't end up in western state) that i had a huge team of family and friends praying with me!  which i will most certainly need, as some of you already know who have dealt with this issue.  ugh!

here's a little background for ya.  it's been nearly 5 years that we have been trying.  after SEVERAL tests, lots of bloodwork, many procedures, 3 failed IUI's, and too many months and months of crying when that time of the month comes, we finally decided to do IVF--in vitro fertilization.

 i'm hoping that me posting in the next several weeks, i can vent, get support, a few shoulders to cry on (when i start the extra hormone injections), and definately help you to understand why you NEVER NEVER NEVER should tell someone that their time clock is ticking away!!!  seriously.  AND, unless you're ready for a look that can kill, or a major cry-fest, please don't ever ask "are you ever gonna have kids?"

ha!.....i'm hoping that in just a few months, i can look back and realize exactly what God had in mind for me all these years of trying and not succeeding.  JEREMIAH 29:11...
"For I know the plans I have for you," declares the LORD, "plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future."
i hear these words, and i repeat them to myself A LOT, but i'm sooo ready to really understand those plans!

 LLC